Burn Your Name
by lucablue
Summary: A demon kidnaps Sam and tortures him when he's at his lowest. Sam, being Sam, thinks he deserves it after all he's done.  Set just after S05E11 Sam Interrupted. WARNING: Explicit torture and rape are contained in this fic - don't like, don't read!


**Pairing:** Sam/Dean  
**Rating:** R  
**Summary: lj ****abused_sammy Prompt #80:** A demon kidnaps Sam and tortures him when he's at his lowest. Sam, being Sam, thinks he deserves it after all he's done.  
**Warnings: Explicit rape and torture, wincest (sibling incest)**  
**Words:** 13, 260

The story switches between past and present and Sam's flashbacks and thoughts are in _italics._

**WARNING: Explicit torture and rape are contained in this fic - don't like, don't read!**

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_Sam pushed his head hard against the pillow arching his back like a tightly drawn bow so that only his ass and shoulders touched the mattress. His neck was taut and exposed as a long offering of tanned smooth skin that vibrated with a needy whimper as his brother's tongue licked over the hollow in his throat before sucking hard._

_"Fuck Dean..." Sam's head thrashed back and forth when calloused fingers pinched a nipple tight and then rubbed it hard between index and thumb before twisting it mercilessly. He felt the warm trickle of fluid leak out over his hard cock and he lifted a leg to wrap around his brother's naked hip._

_"Now, now...please."_

_"Yeah Sammy."_

_Dean's breathless voice panted hot and soothing against the shell of his ear, his brother's lips caressing his skin and then sliding across his mouth as Sam felt the blunt pressure against his hole. Sam moaned and lifted his hips as Dean's cock slid home and his own hardness was caught between the slow ripple of their sweat covered skin._

_Sam was lost in the warm press of Dean's tongue in his mouth and the way their bodies slotted together, the feel and sounds and smell of his brother were arousing and familiar and intoxicating._

_When they moved against each other like this, nothing else existed in Sam's world but Dean._

_They knew each other's bodies intimately and making love was like a well practised art between them. A new canvas each time that mapped out their desires as it painted over their fears and lightened the darkness with the knowledge that they had each other. They were a part of each other._

_Even with his eyes closed in a haze of spiralling lust, Sam knew something was wrong... off._

_Dean stilled above him and Sam opened his eyes wide when he saw the wide streaks of blood blossoming across his older brother's chest and stomach. Dean's head tilted back in a silent scream and when Sam looked down, he saw Dean's thighs were torn and slicked red under his hands._

_Sam couldn't breathe, couldn't move as he watched his brother being ripped to shreds, blood splattering across their bodies. The snarling growl of a hellhound made his heart pound so hard it ached because he knew he couldn't save his brother._

_Not this time, not ever._

_Dean was screaming out loud now and it filled Sam's head like a raging storm. A maelstrom of pain and despair._

_His brother was going to hell for him… because of him._

_"No, no, no..."_

_Dean's hands were on his shoulders and they felt cold, too cold against his sweat soaked body._

"Sam wake up. Sammy, c'mon man its over."

Sam frowned and listened in panic for the snarl of the hell beast, watched wide eyed for the blood to start running but then his mind started to focus and the memories started slipping back in along with the cruel reality.

"Sam you with me?"

He turned his eyes to Dean's face, eyes quickly scanning for injuries on the way just to check but he was pretty certain where he was now.

A part of Sam wished he could go back to the start of his dream and just stay there and he moved his hand to reach out to Dean's face before his fingers clenched into a fist and pulled back instead. He couldn't do that anymore.

He hadn't saved Dean from hell, instead he had turned to Ruby and the evil within himself and now he had lost everything including the right to touch his older brother. The things he had done… the demon blood, the Apocalypse… flickered through his mind as he counted off his many sins.

"Sam?"

"Yeah. Just a nightmare. S'nothing."

Sam felt the hot sting in his eyes as Dean's hands slide off his shoulders but he'd turned away and faced the wall before the first tear slid down his face. He felt the bed dip as Dean stood but he knew his brother was still close.

"You wanna talk about it?" Dean's voice was sleep rough but worried.

Sam bit back a pained laugh that almost choked in his throat. "No Dean, go to sleep. Sorry I woke you."

"Sam you can't keep…" Dean let out a breath as he watched his younger brother's back and knew it was a pointless argument. Sam didn't want to talk and he didn't know what to say to his brother anymore. "Try and get some sleep Sam."

Sam stared at the wall in the darkness as he listened to his brother return to his own bed. When the first rays of dim light squeezed through the gaps in the broken venetian blinds Sam eyes were still open.

____

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When Dean had been dragged back out of the pit, Sam had never expected things to go back to how they were between them… he had wished for it with every part of him but he knew he could never have it back. He had slept with Ruby, let her fuck with his body and mind but it wasn't even her fault. Sam knew in the end it came down to his decision and he had chosen to push Dean away and trust a demon.

As much as he wanted Dean to forgive him, as much as he tried to do the right thing now, there was no coming back from something like that. Not all the way at least… maybe not at all.

Sam had betrayed his own brother, done all the wrong things for the right reasons in his head but in doing so had freed Lucifer, made hell on earth possible. Whoever had said one man could never make a difference had obviously never met Sam Winchester. The real kicker though, it wasn't even the whole devil walking the earth thing that haunted his every waking moment and kept him awake at night.

When it all came crashing down and reality had finally settled over him like a suffocating blanket, it was the way Dean looked at him now that hurt the most.

It was no less than he deserved but sometimes maybe more than he could deal with. It was hard to live with a piece of your heart and soul missing.

He noticed the way his older brother stopped cold in his tracks if Sam touched him or got too close. The fact that Dean no longer trusted him… with anything… was the reason Sam hated himself so much.

Sam tried to resign himself to the loss of his lover and friend but he resolutely started on the long journey to try and connect with his brother again. Some days the only place he could breathe properly was when he was sitting beside Dean in the Impala, with the road flying fast beneath the black steel and Dean's hands wrapped around the wheel.

It was easier sitting there an arm's length away from Dean, to pretend things were how they used to be as he sank into the worn leather and tried to hear the echo of the laughter and friendship they once shared. It was easier to have the illusion that there still might be hope for them…for him.

The bad days were bad though, the days where he forgot himself and overstepped the thinly veiled barrier that stood between them. He didn't blame Dean for pulling away, not when he saw the hurt and sadness deep in his brother's green eyes as they glanced into his own before skittering away.

Sam knew he was responsible for breaking things inside his brother that even Hell hadn't touched.

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"Hey you okay?'

Dean's deep voice rumbled through Sam's thoughts and it took a minute for the younger boy to discern his well being was in question. He shifted on the thin mattress of his bed and looked around the motel room as though he had just become aware of where he was.

"Yeah, yeah I'm good." Sam nodded yes but in truth his hands were shaking and he couldn't push aside the feeling of failure that had weighed on him since they had returned from the hunt an hour ago. Since they had finally discovered the nest of half demons... all the victims' dead but one.

Their deaths had been bloody and gruesome and neither brother had been prepared for the find.

"Really?" Dean paused, his own anger and frustration winning the war against the last shreds of his patience. "You're okay with the fact we were too late to save any of those people from being tortured and raped? You're okay that the only survivor asked us to shoot her instead of calling an ambulance? You're okay with the fact we didn't even know these half demons were psychic feeders as well?"

Dean's voice trailed off as he saw his words impact on his younger brother's face like physical blows. He mentally berated himself as he watched Sam swallow hard before shaking his head slowly in response, eyes dull and downcast.

"Aww fuck Sam... I'm sorry." Dean ran a tired hand across his face, his voice soft. "Guess I'm not so good with it either."

"S'okay, I know." Sam lifted his eyes briefly before looking away from the intense green eyes that always seem to look past any mask he tried to hide behind. "I feel like... God Dean we can't even win the small battles y'know? How're we gonna..."

end the Apocalypse... stop Lucifer... fix us

"... never mind."

Dean frowned at his brother's words. He knew Sam was guilt ridden about so many things and this hunt had gone pear shaped from the start but it was the unspoken context between the lines that was heavy in the air between them. Dean realised what Sam wanted but he couldn't give it to him.

"We'll do what we have to do Sam, like always."

The older hunter steeled his jaw against the conflicting emotions that were warring inside him. The bone deep urge to pull Sam in close against him was overridden by his fear of going down the same destructive path. He couldn't do it again, couldn't get too close or let Sam in because he knew in the end he would have to let go all over again.

That's how it always ended up when he got too close to anyone.

There were being ridden by angels and demons that only saw them as chess pieces in the game of war they were playing. The stakes were high enough already without the complications of how he felt about Sam to muddy the waters even further so he pushed it away… pushed Sam away just enough so he could breathe.

Instead he opted for an easier road that would hopefully begin to mend the broken strands of their brotherhood without baring his soul. "I could really use a beer or ten right now though, you coming?"

The question hung in the air as Sam tried to decipher whether Dean really wanted his company but he really didn't trust his own judgement on anything these days. "You sure?"

"Yeah, if you're up for it."

The look Dean gave him screamed of so fucking not sure at all but behind it Sam could see there was no agenda. Dean was just as scared as he was of screwing this up even further. The shaky smile that washed across his features was genuine though and from the heart because Dean was reaching out and in that moment Sam just needed an anchor.

"Sounds good." Sam nodded, trying not to watch the way Dean's lips moved.

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They were nearly three hours in deep when Sam had forgotten.

Dean's smile and voice and whole body had been slurred and relaxed by alcohol and he had swayed into Sam, easy laugh and equilibrium shot to hell. Sam had reached out, just as drunk and more than clumsy but somehow managing to catch his brother and there they were chest to chest and Dean's face had been so close.

Dean sobered up the minute Sam's lips had brushed against his own. A shocked gasp and a small whimper the only sound he made before pushing back, eyes wide open and head already shaking no to deny the longing ache that had startled awake in his own heart. The crisp wave of guilt that flooded through Dean when he saw Sam's instant remorse rendered him speechless.

His little brother always had a way of slipping through the cracks in his defences.

"M'sorry... didn't mean to Dean... I... didn't…" Sam saw the panic in his brother's eyes and the depth of it took his breath away and cut him deeply. "I'm gonna go back to the motel... I'm... I'm sorry."

"Sam wait."

Dean closed his eyes when his words fell on the empty space where Sam had been standing. All he could feel was the burn on his lips as though they had been branded by his brother's mouth and all he could think of was the way Sam used to feel beneath him.

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Sam was out the door and stumbling halfway along the block before the hammering of his heart stopped feeling like a heart attack. Still breathing hard he paused to lean against a random shopfront, fingers clutching at the brickwork as his body fought to come to terms with his loss of momentum.

How the fuck could he have done that? He knew Dean didn't want him like that anymore, he knew his older brother was hurting and lost and the last thing Sam wanted to do was cause more pain. Except he had, and Dean would probably just want him gone now.

Dean should never have brought him back to begin with... the Apocalypse, Lucifer, the death of their friends, Dean's time in hell… it was all because he was worthless… tainted by evil and too weak to do the right thing.

Pushing off the building, Sam weaved along the pavement lost in his own grief and alcohol induced haze. The scream was shrill and he winced at the pitch as the sound cut through his brain and pushed his hunter's instincts into top gear.

The young hunter's hand automatically went for his gun but it came away empty because the hunt was over.

Only it was never really over he reminded himself ruefully as he moved towards the sound.

Sam admonished himself when the best he could do was the small silver switchblade from his jacket as he ran towards the sound. The scream had ended abruptly but not before Sam had seen the young girl being dragged into the darkness between two buildings.

"Hey! Leave her alone!" Sam's shout echoed along the dark street as he mustered his somewhat inebriated senses to run.

It wasn't so much the shock at seeing another half demon, they'd just killed ten of the human looking creatures about four hours ago after all. It was the thought there could be more of them out there and more people in danger that had Sam running full pelt into the shadows.

He fingers wrapped around his cell phone as he entered the darkness. If he could get the girl safe and try and hold the thing until Dean got here they might be able to find out if there was more of its kind left.

He found out soon enough though... because then there were two.

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Sam woke to a blurred reality and a pounding head, as a low groan escaped his lips. A rough hand gripped his left arm seconds later and flung him up and back against a wall before he fell face down on the cold ground. The young hunter automatically scrambled to sitting and pressed his back to the wall, his fisted hands coming up in front of his chest defensively.

"Now there is jussst me but you are ssstill dead sssoon. You hunt usss but I catch you."

Sam's vision cleared enough to follow the creature's eyes as it glanced at a second demon lying motionless on the floor next to what looked like his own jacket. He looked down at his bloodied right hand and remembered sinking the knife in deep to one of his attackers before everything blacked out. He wondered if the girl was still alive.

There was no other movement in the cold, stone room other than the flicker of about a dozen candles which provided the only lighting. No windows and the only exit Sam could make out was a darkened rectangle on the far side of the room with no hint of what lay beyond. The room looked like it had been used before with crude bedding and an old table but nothing else of value.

His knife was nowhere to be seen now and he was pretty sure he was concussed, if the lazy tilt of the shadowed room was any indication, so as he started to push up and find his feet he knew he would have to fight smart. It was a half demon so he could physically kill it but he needed to pierce its heart or sever its head and his eyes began to search frantically for a weapon he could use.

It was on him before he even got halfway up. All teeth and claws and pounding fists driving him back down on his back hard enough to ignite a bright flare of pain in his head that dazed both his thoughts and body. In the end all he could do was try and push the creature off of him but it proved fruitless and with each minute that passed he grew weaker.

Its humanlike body straddled his thighs, effectively pinning him under its muscled weight. Sam's arms and fists punched into its body as he tried to sit up but the crack of its knuckles against his cheekbone snapped his head to the side and he fell back to the ground breathing hard.

"You loossse."

"You'll be hunted down like the others." Sam coughed and tasted blood.

Sam grimaced and struggled as the demon suddenly pinned his arms and bent down to lick the blood from his face.

"Fuck…get off me… you fucking freak."

"I can tassste your mind… and the taint in your blood. You hate yourssself and I can help you with that."

The hot sour breathe on his face made Sam want to gag but the realisation that this demon was also a physic feeder that drank in his thoughts and emotions as easily as it swallowed his blood made a ribbon of panic unfurl in his stomach.

And despite the fear, the terror welling inside him that this creature would know how to tear him apart from the inside out once it fed from him, Sam still couldn't stop his thoughts turning to Dean.

"That'sss right … I will know all of you sssoon."

Sam's arms were still pushed down against the stone floor as the demon leant in and bit down into his exposed flesh where his neck met shoulder. Sam writhed in agony as his legs shifted and he desperately scrambled to find purchase on the floor with the heels of his boots.

He felt the tendons in his neck stretch unbearably as he tried to pull away but it was strange then, a feeling seeped through his body that was almost calming and he began to notice the demon's hands stroking slowly up and down his sides. The site of the wound began to throb and then a deep heat soaked through the pain and it felt almost good.

The groan of protest he made sounded broken and Sam didn't recognise it.

"You like thisss." There was no question in the tone as the demon shredded Sam's shirts with its claws and ripped them away from his body leaving scratches across the skin underneath.

"No." Sam struggled and shook his head as he tried to reel in his senses. "What…what d'you do to me?"

"Need you awake to hurt you, punisssh you for killing."

Sam felt his hands released and the creature's weight shifted slightly before there were hands on his belt and then the zip of his denim but his body wouldn't respond how he wanted and he could barely lift his arms. Sam felt like he slipped beneath the surface of a thick fog, still aware of what was happening but helpless.

"No, no don't… don't…"

The cold floor was rough on his skin and it scraped against his back and buttocks as his jeans and boxers were dragged down to his ankles. As the young Winchester felt the demon step over him, Sam somehow summoned the willpower over his body to kick out and knock the creature away with a surprised cry.

Sam had managed to roll onto his side then stomach, his knees bent and almost under him to get off the floor when the air was crushed from his lungs by a vicious kick to the side of his ribs. The first one flattened him as his arms gave out and the next three in quick succession had him curled up on the floor.

He could only flail weakly when the demon returned after a minute's reprieve and rolled him onto his back using only a hand in his hair. Sam's eyes fluttered open when he felt intense heat near his eyes and he squinted fearfully at the glowing tip of a metal rod that was an inch away from his face. The demon sneered and moved the red hot metal down Sam's body close enough for him to feel its progress and sweat broke out over his flesh as it passed over his groin.

When his legs were pried apart by a booted foot and the metal scorched the skin of his inner thigh and then passed through into the muscle of his leg, Sam screamed sharply. His body tensed and shuddered in shock and then slumped boneless when it was removed.

The demon moved away again out of Sam's sight and then reappeared, Clutching at his hair again as it pulled his head up off the floor. "Will keep it niccce and hot for you."

"Fuck you." Sam spat the words as his fist hit out at the demon's arm.

"No." It hissed out as it punched Sam's face before rolling him onto his stomach and kneeling between his thighs. "Fuck you."

The knuckles smashed into his eye and everything glazed over for a few seconds but not enough that he didn't hear the demons words. Unmindful of the way his drugged body was hurting, Sam struggled as violently as he could against the demons hands, a line of bloody spittle spraying from his mouth as he breathed hard. Panic and dread now rising like bitter bile in his throat as he heard the demon shed clothing.

"Don't…"

Sharp claws punctured the skin on each side of his hips and began to tear against his skin as it dragged Sam's hips up of the floor even as he pulled against it. There was no warning, no touch against him or searching prod on his skin just a sudden drive of hard muscle as the demon shoved inside him with a brutally violent driving force.

The pain in Sam's burnt and damaged thigh was lost amidst the searing agony that travelled up from his ass and along his spine from his inside out as flesh was torn and stretched unmercifully. Even the blood that now leaked out around the cock inside him and slid down between his legs did nothing to slick or ease the punishing rhythm or the cramping agony.

The scream was torn unheard from his lungs as his breath was lost in a guttural groan and the young hunter could do nothing but clutch at the rough stones beneath his hands until his fingernails bled.

Sam's face scraped along the ground as tears squeezed out from his tightly closed eyes. He barely even registered it when the demon bit into his shoulder blade. He certainly didn't realise when the demon began to manipulate his mind as it fed off his despair and blood.

"Your brother doesss not want you, can't bear to be touched by your filth."

The words dripped into Sam's head like acid, eating away at his rationale and playing off his own insecurities. The obscene sounds of slapping flesh and his own rhythmic groans of pain and protest only served to make Sam realise that he was helpless to stop the violation. He tried to distance himself, he tried to find something to grasp.

Dean

The demon paused its movements briefly, mouth lifting off Sam's skin as it let the toxins from its mouth seep into the hunter's wound. The emotions and thoughts of the boy beneath him began seeping into its head as it swallowed down his warm blood.

"You are the one that hasss brought the dessstruction, yesss. Lucccifer will come and dessstroy my half blood kind." Its head bent back to Sam's ear as it sneered. "But I will be the one to kill the Devil's vesssel ssslowly, what you dessserve."

In the chaos of Sam's poisoned mind there was one thing that suddenly seemed to make sense of the pain and the way his body was being fucked back and forth along the cold floor. He couldn't find the strength in his drugged body to stop what was happening to him but he understood now that he deserved it.

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Everything hurt so badly and Sam could feel the trickle of fluid still seeping from his body and down between his thighs. The punishing rhythm of his rape had stopped, he wasn't sure how long ago, and he had been left to drop onto the cold stone floor.

Awareness and clarity began seeping in and Sam flexed his hand, slowly pushing up onto one elbow. Clamping his mouth shut on the pain that seared through his ass and damaged leg, Sam struggled to slide his good leg underneath his body, panting as he pushed up to hands and knees as pain then flared in his ribs and neck.

The room swayed and his actions felt sluggish, his mind still confused but trying to grasp onto the basic notions of escape and move and fucking now.

Dean.

The thought of his brother sparked hope which clouded over to doubt in a chaos of jumbled thoughts as reality mingled with the demon's saliva still running through his blood whispering its toxic words.

Trying to focus on the darkened doorway that led out of the room, Sam began to inch forward half dragging one leg until he had reached the adjacent wall. Bracing himself with both hands, Sam got himself swaying upright and covered in sweat from the effort.

Wincing he reached down and clutched at the waistband of his jeans and boxers, sliding them up his legs and trying not to look at the open wound on thigh because he knew it was going to hurt worse in a minute.

A low laugh from the shadowed corner of the room startled him badly and he swung around nearly overbalancing in his panic.

The demon sauntered towards him and Sam dimly realised it had been watching him the whole time.

"You are ssstronger than the othersss."

Sam let his jeans drop feeling exposed and filthy but he still raised his fists in defiance as the creature kept advancing.

"But not that ssstrong."

Sam swung with his left arm then feinted and delivered an uppercut with his right fist, gaining a little confidence when it collided against the demon's face. It was short lived though as he caught an elbow to the throat and then a glancing blow to his temple that made him see stars as he felt his knees hit the floor.

Seeing movement to his side, Sam swung wildly but was then pulled back roughly by his hair until his ass hit the ground. His hands clawed and punched at the hand in his hair as he tried to loosen its grip but he was hauled up off the ground and his back hit the surface of the smooth wooden table beside the candles and his head dangled backwards over the side.

Still forcing his head back, the demon's other hand pressed into his knee as it leaned in and bit the bloodied flesh of the wound high on his thigh.

A strangled cry bled out from Sam's mouth as the burnt flesh was torn and reopened by the creatures tongue and teeth as it fed. His flailing arms and struggling body weakened as the effects of the demon's salival toxin coursed through his body again.

Sam's body moved feebly on the table even though he wasn't held down anymore. Barely able to lift his head, Sam's half open eyes tracked the demon's movements and the glow of a candle as it was held over him. Burning drops of wax hit his chest and he grunted in pain and panic as the candle was slowly moved down along his body.

The wax felt like bursts of flame against his skin as the drops hardened on impact against his stomach and hips and thighs. Sam's pants of distress turned into groans of pain as his body jerked in response to the fiery liquid as it was then cruelly dripped continually over his cock and balls.

His hands were now pinned against his chest by a strong hand as the torture continued and Sam could feel the sweat dripping across his shaking body from the agony.

"Stop…Godstop…please." Sam's words were slurred , desperate.

The pressure was released from his hands as the demon moved away and Sam's hands instinctively moved to protect his groin as he eyes blinked open trying to see where his attacker had moved. He didn't have to wait long though as he felt the demon push his hands away and then rough fingers squeezed his cock hard.

Gasping in a breath, Sam bucked his body off the table when scorching hot metal slid against his hip bone. "Fuck… stop, please. What… what do you want?"

"Thisss."

Sam felt the searing heat touched his scrotum and then move to re-enter the wound on his leg and the demon's laughter faded as his body slackened in sweet relief.

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Sam screamed loud and long and raw until his voice cut out as the sheer agony cut in and stole all the breath he had left. Gasping and shaking, he tried to push away from the creature as it showed him the now bloodied blade, red steel glinting in the dull light of the flickering candles.

He's strung up now, like a piece of meat. Worthless and wishing it would just end.

When he came around the last time… or maybe the time before that… he was hanging by his arms from the ceiling, wrists bound with rope and arms almost numb. The first thing he saw as his head lolled low on his chest was his naked body and his jeans still pooled around his ankles and for a second he couldn't remember why.

Now he wished he could forget.

Sam's muscles tensed as he braced himself, sweat beading on his skin and then cooling quickly in the chilled air as the knife tears through his skin again, this time from elbow to underarm. The burn of the cut is like a fire that sparks slow and then roars to life as it engulfs the young hunter and leaves him shuddering in its wake.

He can feel the warm flow of his blood as it runs in a stream down his arm to join the other ribbons of red that mark his body from the precise cuts and stabs. None of them are lethal yet, and he knows the demon is skilled at this, very well practised in the art of torture.

Something in Sam's mind, something that's not quite lucid any more, laughs deliriously at the compliment he just gave his soon to be killer. The only thing that really scares him now apart from the pain is when he can hear Dean's voice through the fog. It terrifies him and comforts him at the same time.

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_It's in your head Sammy and it knows you're weak. It knows you deserve this... we both know you deserve this._

"Dean." The word is slurred and it slips from his mouth without any conscious thought and for a second he remembers what it feels like to be safe.

Sam opens his eyes and tries not to cringe when he sees the knife is raised again, this time the point digs slowly into his chest over his ribcage. He whimpers and tears more skin from his lip as the blade keeps pushing in until it hits bone.

His scream is more a garbled sound and it tastes like blood.

"Even your brother knowsss you are damaged. Doesss not want you."

"He'll… kill you." The ragged words whisper from Sam's mouth with no conviction, just a thought from another time that his brain has dredged up from some dark forgotten corner.

"He won't look for you. Jussst glad you are gone."

The demon's teeth bite into his flesh as its tongue enters deep into the fresh wound on his chest. It feels like sandpaper rubbing on exposed nerves and Sam twitches and gags on the physical agony.  
He can feel the creature reaching into his thoughts as well, raping his mind as brutally as it had done with his body.

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There's a shadow on the stone wall that flickers with the movement of the flames as air flows around the candles. Sam watches it dance behind the flames as his body shudders and his skin is washed in red.

Dean had always liked fire, been obsessed with the way the orange red glow sparked to life with the snap of his lighter and then curled and danced on the edge of the metal. Sam had always loved the way Dean's eyes lit up from the flame, glowing embers embedded in green like they were meant to be there.

Sam always got lost in his brother's eyes.

"Dean."

An angry claw raked down his body from shoulder to hip and the sound he made was loud enough to drown out the demons laughter for a few seconds. Sam tried to focus on the candles again and thoughts of his brother but now they seemed too far away and only reminded him of distant stars, cold and alone.

Lost.

Sam bit through his own tongue when the creature began to sample the freshly cut meat along his abdomen, lapping up the crimson stream.

"You want forgivenesss, can tassste it." It paused then, black eyes glinting as it watched the blood trickle from Sam's mouth. "You have me inssstead."

The words buzzed and grew faint in Sam's ears as his head lolled forward.

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Sam's body arched in pain, arms pulling on the ropes that held them above his head as he tried to breathe through the white hot heat. His vision blurred around the edges when the burning metal touched his body, just above his hip bone, and then pushed hard enough against him to pierce his skin.

Vomit rose in his throat at the smell of his own burning flesh and it tasted like broken glass as he swallowed it back down before he cried out.

The young hunter's scream ended in the ragged inhale of air when the poker was roughly pulled back out of his flesh. Sam clamped his mouth shut, panting hard through his nose when he felt the creatures fingers weave along his skin and smear the fresh blood over his quivering stomach muscles. He knew what was coming next but he wouldn't beg for it to stop because he knew it wouldn't matter.

He didn't matter.

"Ssssso much pain...it issss rich."

The voice of his attacker was slick with pleasure as its tongue mercilessly probed the seared flesh and then sharp teeth punctured the wound, as the creature drank deeply.

"God... " The word choked out on the edge of another raw sound as Sam's pain tried to voice itself.

Sam instinctively struggled to push away from the searing ache that spread out from the creature's mouth but its hands clutched at his sides and dragged him closer. Trying to kick out with his legs only put more strain on his arms when his legs were still restricted by the jeans around his ankles and the resulting pain only made it harder to breathe.

Sam turned his head away as fingers moved across his face and in his suffering, Sam's mind withdrew and clutched onto thoughts of comfort and Dean. The way his brother's touch used to feel over his skin... the way Dean used to kiss him and love him... before Sam had screwed everything up.

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_They sat on the hood of the Impala and looked out over the expanse of rolling hills that was broken up by clusters of foliage and trees and the small patch of blue water that shimmered before them in the late summer sun._

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They had just finished a fucked up job in California, both worse for wear and bone deep weary now the adrenaline had worn off.

Dean had driven them here without answering any of Sam's questions about where they were going and why. Sam smiled around his beer bottle as he tipped it up before throwing the empty glass on the ground beside the Impala and lying back on the warm metal.

"I reckon we deserve a coupla hours off Sammy. What d'ya think?"

Dean mimicked Sam's actions, his bottle clinking in the grass as he slid backwards and leaned over his younger brother.

Sam felt Dean's hand caress his face and linger over the bruise along his jaw that was one of many from their last hunt. He slid his fingers over Dean's shoulder and pulled him in closer until their mouths were touching and his tongue pushed between his older brother's lips.

Dean surged against him then in a rush that was close to desperation, hands pushing up under his t—shirt and through his hair as they kissed frantically. Sam turned so he could press their bodies closer together, groaning needily as he felt the hard line of Dean's cock through the denim. Dean was shaking in his arms and he knew they both needed this reaffirmation that they had both come out alive on the other side again.

"I think you always know what I need Dean."

Sam's whispered reply was met with a possessive growl as they shed each other's clothes before Dean fitted himself over the younger man's body.

Looking into the smouldering green depths of his older brother's eyes, Sam saw the fire of love and possessiveness that he needed and craved. The intensity of this thing between them, the way they both revelled in the strength and comfort and pleasure it gave them, always took his breath away.

It was fast and rough and dirty when Dean splayed him open and rocked inside him and it fixed the broken bits inside them like it always did. Rutted away the hard edges of fear and near loss and smoothed down the jagged lines of lust.

Sam pulled Dean into the clear water, laughing and splashing as he dived into the cool depths. He felt Dean came up behind him and he turned in his brother's arms and watched as the sunlight danced across his face. Sam traced a line along his older brother's mouth with his tongue and frowned when Dean's hands tightened around his neck.

"S'okay Sammy, I know what you need."

Dean's hands pushed him down beneath the surface and held him there.

The water was so cold it burnt.

"Dean?" Sam barely recognised his own voice in the strangled word.

There were hands around his throat and his lungs were burning with the need to breathe. As black spots began dancing in his vision the pressure released and Sam gasped desperate breaths.

"You will never sssee him again."

Hearing those words spoken was like the final seal of his absolute despair and Sam sank like a stone.

"Fucking do it… kill me… kill me."

"Sssoon. More firssst." It smiled as its hand tilted the young hunter's face back with a forceful bruising grip under his chin. "More hurt then death."

"M'sorry Dean." Sam's words were an inaudible mumble of sound but they were still heartfelt.

Sam felt the demon release him and then felt it press against his body from behind. He didn't have the ability to understand the significance of the action and even when it rammed its hard thick length inside his body again, it was just another agony that merged and intensified into oblivion.

"Dean."

Sam the hunter knew somewhere in his confused mind he should be fighting, struggling against the way he was being held and tortured and slowly bled out but he had nothing left now and he was too far under to see what was happening. The hunter had become the victim and Sam was drowning in the poison that the demon had infused into his thoughts and his body as he began to shut down.

Tears slid down Sam's face as he sought refuge in memories of his brother that helped him try and cling on to the belief that he was worth something, that he was loved.

"De..."

The psychic creature felt the exact moment that Sam gave up and it paused in its rape for a second to breathe in the wonderfully dark emotion. It had carefully used a mixture of pain and suggestion as it had fed upon the anguish and desolation rich in both the blood and mind of its prey. It had smelt the self hatred and soul deep sadness as soon as Sam had shed the first drop of blood and now, nearly eight hours later, he knew the young hunter was nearly done.

It licked its lips in anticipation because the end would be soon and it was always the most satisfying part. Its arousal grew frenzied with the thought and it stabbed its engorged cock mercilessly deep into the humans tight, blood slicked body, claws piercing skin as it came over and over.

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Dean moved slowly along the service access tunnel of the underground substation, gun and torch held out in front of his body.

It had taken too long to piece everything together and a part of his brain broke it all down again and again then fit it back repeatedly, trying to find fault with his logic. Parts of a whole that only became meaningful, purposeful when they all clicked into place.

Like a disassembled weapon.

Like him and Sam.

An empty motel room, the wounded hysterical girl, Sam's phone and then the bloodied knife, the still deserted nest, a lone witness too drugged to know which way was up, countless forays into sewers, buildings, cellars, and angel that wasn't answering his prayers or his threats and then finally this… a bloody trail.

Dean tried not to count the hours that had passed because the first one had been too long in itself, too much once he knew Sam had been taken by the half demons that they had hunted. It was too easy to remember the things that had been done to the other victims.

His torch lit up another dark streak of red and he steeled his jaw and tried not to look at how much blood there was pooling along the cracks in the worn stone.

A noise echoed off the walls, faint and distorted in the small space but Dean knew the sound like his own heartbeat and feelings of relief and worry and something's gonna fucking die swept over him like a tidal wave.

Sam was alive... and he was being hurt.

"Not long now Sammy."

Dean's features were set in rigid lines of anger, his knuckles turning white on the grip of his weapon as another tortured scream broke the silence.

His movements radiated stealth but the look on his face exuded hard cold death.

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Sam couldn't lift his head, he didn't really want to anymore. He could scream just as well with his head down and his one good eye squeezed tightly closed.

He didn't feel cold but his body shook in hard spasms that seemed to vibrate through his bones.

Sam wasn't sure when his legs had given out but as his eye fluttered open briefly he could see his knees bent and thought that maybe it was good he couldn't feel his arms anymore. He watched in dazed fascination as bright red drops ran down his thighs from somewhere and disappeared over his knee. He wondered if there was a red pool around his feet but he couldn't feel the floor either to tell whether it was wet.

There was a hand on his cock and he could feel that, feel it too much as it squeezed hard and painful and he grunted as his body tried to bend over itself. He whimpered when he saw the knifepoint move to press against his penis and then held his breath when the metal bit at his skin.

"Wake up. Nearly finissshed now."

Sam tried to move his head and he moaned low, the sound broken and pained as the creature bit into the side of his neck. The cold blade travelled up from his cock skimming his skin and came to rest low on his belly before it pressed in sharply. Sam didn't cry out or struggle when he felt the pressure of the knife against his body and just hoped it would cut fast and deep this time.

The loud noises startled him, made him jump before his head dropped back to his chest as the demon tore away from his skin with a snarl. There was movement in front of him but instead of the expected bite and tear of his flesh he felt nothing but the cool air against his body. The young hunter opened his eye and frowned at the knife sticking out of his abdomen.

Sam was confused when he didn't scream, he couldn't really think properly but he understood the basics... a knife pushed hilt deep into your body usually hurt. Maybe he was dead already and just didn't know it.

"Oh God Sammy."

The young hunter shook his head to stop hearing the distinctive voice because he knew he would never see Dean again. Imagining his brother's voice now only intensified the deep sorrowful ache of that knowledge.

Sam closed his eye again and just waited for the pain or darkness to close in around him. He willed himself to go back to the dreams where Dean was still holding him close and he was safe.

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Dean's gut clenched when he stood and turned away from the freshly dead demon to face his brother. It didn't happen often but he was just too shocked to move for seconds, Sam was never meant to look like this... never like this.

Dean's mind closed like a steel trap on his fears once he saw the knife still embedded in his brother's body, too much rich red blood running from the fresh wound. There wasn't time to stop and think or feel or even give comfort.

"Oh God Sammy." Dean's ragged whispered voice was the only thing that betrayed the vice that was now clamped tightly around his heart.

He startled a little when Sam's head moved feebly and then he gently ran a hand down the side of his brother's bruised and beaten face.

"M'gonna get you down Sammy, s'okay now." He didn't wait for any reaction, there was no time.

Working efficiently, denying the tendrils of fear that were weaving through his mind, he dragged a small wooden table over and stepped on it to reach up Sam's body and start cutting the ropes that bound his brother to the overhead beam.

As the rope gave way Dean held the end of it and slowly lowered Sam to the ground using his other hand to steady his brother's long form, wincing at the way his body crumpled. He had no choice and his arms strained to make sure Sam didn't move in a way that would worsen the knife wound.

Once Sam was on his back, Dean quickly stripped off his own jacket and overshirt and used the soft flannel to press around the knife, careful not to move it or dislodge it. He covered his jacket over Sam's lower body in preference to pulling the rough denim up over the deep cuts and wounds that littered his brother's bloodied legs and hips.

He tried not to react at the sight of the cuts and bites to Sam's groin and cock. He tried hard not to let his brain acknowledge the clouded fluid that had mixed with the blood as it ran down Sam's inner thighs. He refused to think about how hard Sam's fingers must have clawed at something to ruin them bloody like that.

There would be time enough for that later... when Sam was safe.

"Hey, you hear me Sam? Sammy?"

About to remove his own t-shirt to place over Sam's chest, he recognised his brother's jacket thrown in a heap against the wall and near the body of another half demon. Quickly moving across he glanced at the lifeless body before picking the jacket up and he was back at Sam's side in four hurried strides.

One hand fumbled for his cell phone while the other applied pressure to Sam's belly. When Sam groaned and struggled weakly under his hand, Dean's fingers shook as he dialled 911 and he pressed the phone against his head to keep it steady.

"Dn?"

Sam's voice was wrecked and it took everything Dean had to keep strong. "Yeah Sammy, I'm here now."

"Don… don't hate me."

"Never hate you Sammy. Hold on okay, y'gonna be fine." Dean blinked to clear his vision, he didn't feel the tears falling down his face.

"Dean… hurts now."

"I know, I know m'sorry I gotta do this Sam." Dean felt the warm stickiness of blood against his palm now, even through the flannel shirt. "Just hold on okay? I'm gonna stay with you so you just hold on."

"Dn… ?"

They wanted him to stay on the line but when Sam started shaking, the voice on the other end of the line was cut short as Dean yelled into it before dropping his cell phone to the ground.

"Just get here the fuck now!"

Dean's fingers brushed gently through his brother's hair, a habit that was so ingrained he was hardly even aware of it. "Shhh Sammy. I know, I know. Not much longer 'kay."

Dean pressed his hand hard against his brother's stomach, a swell of emotion bubbling just underneath the surface when his eyes registered just how much blood was on the floor around them.

Sam whimpered, one hand moving convulsively, fingers reaching out towards his brother desperately.

"Don't… don't… pls…"

"Don't talk Sammy, I know it hurts, I know. M'sorry, m'sorry."

"De… Dean…"

"Shhh… m'here."

Dean wasn't exactly sure what else his brother was trying to say but he heard his name and that was enough, he got it… he had Sam's body language hard wired in his brain since forever. It's just he didn't remember feeling this helpless before… except for when Sam had died in his arms at Cold Oak.

A suffocating dread shifted across him and settled bone deep within his body.

Dean held one hand clamped down tight around the knife wound while the other hand brushed across Sam's forehead and then found his hand and held on tight.

"Don't go…"

"Not going anywhere, I've got you. Y'know I always look after you." Dean had trouble talking around the lump lodged in his throat. He hadn't looked after Sam at all.

"Can't… feel you…"

"I'm holding you Sam, not gonna let go but you've gotta hold on too okay? Don't you let go."

"Don't feel… Dn…De?" Sam's voice trailed off.

"I'm here Sammy, I'm right here."

Sam's body hitched and a strangled breath escaped his lips before his head lolled to the side, eyes closed.

"Sam? Sammy?"

Dean kept one hand applying pressure and the other resting firmly over his brother's heart, feeling the faint beat of life dance erratically under his fingertips. He didn't relinquish his hold on Sam until strong hands pried him away and even then, he wouldn't let go of his brother completely.

He had promised Sam he would stay and he wasn't going to break that promise.

Ever again.

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The room was dim and cold and stank of the stale chemical air that permeated every single hospital Dean had ever known. The silence was only broken by the low hum of the air-conditioning and the monotonous beep of the heart monitor that signalled Sam was still here and with him.

There was no moan or movement or any other sign except for the fluttering of an eyelid that had signalled Sam had finally surfaced back into the reality that had almost taken his life. Then again, Sam was never big on fanfare or grand entrances.

"Hey, you gonna wake up now?" Dean voice was rough with disuse and relief.

He slid his fingers gently back and forth over the back of Sam's bruised hand. There weren't many places on his brother's skin that weren't bruised or swollen or bandaged.

Sam swallowed and it sounded pained and loud in the room but Dean's focus was on his brother's eyes, one eye still black and swollen shut and the other one blinking slowly.

Without warning Sam took in a sharp breath and his body seized and struggled to move, the beeps in the room sounding just as panicked as the look on his face.

Dean understood instantly and leaned in close, his hands steady and soft on his brother's shoulders.

"It's over Sam, you're okay." The words tumbled from his mouth like a muscle memory that just kept replaying over and over until he could see the meaning slip into Sam's awareness and soothe his distress.

"Shhhhhh, I've got you, it's okay. Y'gotta keep still though so you don't hurt yourself."

Dean only leaned back when Sam had nodded slightly and his body had stilled, oblivious to the hospital staff that had entered the room. The look in Sam's eye screamed that nothing would ever be alright again and Dean looked away for a minute, let himself be distracted by the voices and movements around him.

Dean had been terrified that Sam wouldn't wake up and now, four days later, he was terrified that he had.

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Sam had given all the right reactions, said all the expected things and finally, passed the physical barriers and exams that allowed him to escape from the suffocation of his hospital room.

It had been three weeks of dazed consciousness, tests and bandages and drips and pills and people who said they understood and he needed to talk and give himself time to heal. Three weeks of pain and degradation as his injuries and shame were exposed for everyone to look at and pity. Three weeks of Dean by his side, touching him softly and smiling at him like he was going to break into a million more pieces.

He knew Dean had been watching him, for once not pushing him to leave in the middle of the night or sign out AMA and hit the road. He could see the pity and love in his older brother's eyes and it hurt too much to watch.

Sam hated the fact that he had done this to his brother, made him feel like he had to care again.

He deserved Dean's love even less than he had before. Now the scars of his weakness and shame were carved all over his skin and across his bloody bandages for all to see.

Sam pushed his head back into the leather of the seat and wished he could speak but the words kept getting lost in the silence. One wrong sound and Sam was sure the atmosphere would splinter and crack and he would be cut to pieces again.

His eyes drifted from the road in front to the sky outside the passenger window because he didn't want to watch Dean's fingers flex restlessly around the wheel. Sam didn't quite understand the emotion that had him blinking back the tears but he knew with certainty it had everything to do with wishful thinking and nothing to do with reality.

It was too easy to remember Dean's hands on his body a lifetime ago, wrapped around his skin and holding his heart. It was too hard to forget the things that had been done to him when his body bore the ugly scars and his mind still got lost in the feeling that he was dying all over again.

When Dean asked him if he was okay, his body reacted how it was trained to and he didn't skip a beat. Knew Dean would need to hear him being brave with just the right amount of pain around the edges but he couldn't meet his brother's eyes and he knew that was a tell that Dean would know.

He wasn't sure what to make of it when Dean didn't call him on it but Sam rolled with it anyway, thankful for the reprieve.

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"How 'bout we stop here for the night?"

They had been travelling East for nearly a week and Sam wasn't even sure why but maybe he'd just missed that announcement. His attention span was still a fickle thing, shutting down in the middle of conversations and public places when he'd least expect it. Sam had lost count of the number of times he had blinked and been somewhere different, usually with Dean's face hovering too close, too concerned.

"Yeah." Sam didn't really care one way or another as the Impala pulled into the parking lot.

"Back in a sec I'll book us in."

Sam nodded as his fingers slid underneath his shirt and traced over the still healing scar on his belly.

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_He tried not to show his fear but he couldn't stop the quick panting breaths and bitten whimpers that seeped out of his closed mouth as the small sharp knife cut down the front of his thigh. It didn't take long for the demon's mouth to latch onto the fresh cut and suck deeply on the lifeblood that was released._

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Sam's chest heaved in a sob as cruel fingers surrounded his cock and stroked him up and down hard and deep as the pain in his leg danced along his nerve endings. He writhed violently against the bindings that held his wrists tightly above his head as he felt himself get hard, his cock thickening with the stimulation against his will.

He twisted and tugged at his arms praying the fresh pain would destroy the throbbing pleasure that had traitorously begun to build between his legs.

"No, no…"

The demon sensed his distress, pulling away from his skin, mouth still dripping his blood as an understanding smirk payed across its crimson soaked lips.

"I will take everything from you."

Sam flinched and twisted frantically in his bindings when the demon's mouth covered his cock, sucking painfully hard as its clawed hands gripped the back of his thighs and pulled his body forward.

Sam tried not to breathe, he tried to push his mind somewhere else when he realised he couldn't escape physically but the sensations made his body react even without his permission. As his cock pulsed its release into the demons mouth, Sam closed his eyes in disgust and defeat.

When he opened his eyes they were in the motel room and he was sitting on the edge of a bed.

"Sam?"

The quiet voice beside him was a surprise but then he registered the warmth of Dean's thigh pressed alongside his own before he moved just far away enough to remove the contact.

"Sam if you can't talk to me we need to get you some help, you can't keep going like this."

Sam huffed a laugh and then stopped abruptly at the sound. "Since when are you into chick flick moments Dean? I'm not fine but I will be, bury it deep right?"

"Not this time Sammy. What that demon did to you was more than hurt your body. Those things screw with your head and you need to talk about it. Let me help you."

Sam felt Dean's hand close around his knee and froze. "Don't."

Dean felt the tension in his brother's body and wasn't sure if it was his words or his hand that was the problem but he needed a reaction. He needed to get Sam annoyed or upset or just fucking so pissed off that he let something out. His little brother was breaking apart before his eyes and he felt like it was his fault. If he hadn't pushed Sam away then none of this would have happened.

Dean's hand moved up to Sam's face. "I won't watch you do this to yourself."

Sam stood up, twisting his face out of Dean's reach and ignoring the pull of healing muscles and flesh as he walked restlessly across the room. "What the hell are we doing Dean? In case you've forgotten we're in the middle of the Apocalypse and last time I checked we had used all our time outs. You think Lucifer's gonna sit back and eat popcorn while you babysit me?"

"Castiel's running interference for us okay. I'm not sure how much longer it's gonna hold but I don't care. You're more important Sam."

"Since when? Since I'm the one that started this whole fuck up? Or because you want a clear conscience when you leave? I've screwed everything up Dean, including us, so there's really nothing more to say. We need to get back in the game and just finish this."

"You were raped Sam. You were tortured and raped and you didn't deserve it no matter what that fucking demon has made you think."

It's been just shy of four weeks since Sam had been taken and this is the first time Dean has broached the subject. He was told to let Sam bring it up on his terms but Dean's done waiting. He's had enough standing by and watching his younger brother drift back and forth between reality and some twisted nightmare.

"Shut up." Sam's voice was a low growl.

"When I found you... God Sam you were hurt so bad I didn't know what to do. There was so much blood and... and I thought I'd screwed up again... thought I was too late." Dean couldn't stop himself now, needing to air the words as much as he knew Sam needed to face them. "You asked me not to hate you but I never hated you Sammy. I hated myself... and I pushed you away cause I was scared."

"Shut the fuck up Dean." Sam paced now favouring his still healing leg, barely able to restrain his anger at the way Dean was dredging this up when it needed to be pushed back down. He didn't want the details he just wanted the ending that had been denied him.

"It had you for over eight hours and I'm sorry Sam... I should never have let you go. I'm so sorry I didn't find you sooner..."

Sam wasn't sure how he ended up with a handful of Dean's shirt fisted in his shaking hand but that didn't stop him swinging his other arm around fast, knuckles colliding with his older brother's face. He watched Dean fall to the ground uncaring that his brother hadn't even defended himself.

"Yeah? Well I wish you'd never fucking found me at all."

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Sam winced as his hand cramped around the whiskey glass as he tipped it up and drained the contents. His hands still tingled from the damage that had been done after being strung up for so long, dead weight on the rope around his wrists.  
He shuddered and closed his eyes for several seconds, letting his head tip back onto his neck as the liquid sent a comforting warmth through his veins. It didn't lesson the ache in his body that had been a constant companion for the past few weeks but Sam was okay with that as long as it dulled his mind.

He didn't actually remember getting here or ordering his first drink but had quickly got with the program and was now well on his way to more than half assed drunk in under sixty minutes. Sam realised with a start his fingers were playing with a familiar set of keys on the table and he smiled ruefully to himself once the initial surprise wore off.

Another reason for Dean to be pissed at him... just in case betrayal and freeing the devil and fucking a demon weren't enough. Actually he could cross out one and make that two demons that had fucked him over now... how could he forget that? Dean sure as hell didn't want him to forget it...

A wave of guilt washed over him when he remembered his fist connecting with his brother's face. He knocked the half glass of bourbon back and stood up, swaying and blinking when the room moved more than it should.

The young hunter had weaved out into the parking lot and fumbled open the driver's door when something snapped inside him. Sam braced a hand against the smooth metal, oblivious to the way his breath fogged in front of his face in the night air or how the coldness made his lungs ache.

The laughter rang out and echoed across the course gravel of the parking lot as a group of people slammed car doors and walked towards the bar for a late night out. Except Sam heard the scream of a girl in an alleyway and his hands shook with the knowledge he still had to save her even though he knew what would happen.

He knew he would wake up in the cold candlelight and the torture would begin all over.

Sam's breath started to choke out from his lungs and catch on something in his throat as flashes of recollection played on fast forward through his head. When his body remembered the feeling of being violated, held down and fucked like some helpless victim, Sam blindly fumbled for the handgun beneath the seat.

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Dean almost cried in relief when he saw the familiar outline of the Impala silhouetted in the parking lot after God knows how many places he had checked on foot.

He hadn't been surprised when Sam had stormed from the room and he was willing to give his brother a moment's reprieve to steady himself but he had scrambled up off the floor and out the door when he heard the familiar engine throb to life. He had only been quick enough to watch the taillights disappear and head west before he had grabbed the room key and ran out after Sam, grief and guilt weighing heavily in his heart.

Sam had nearly died in his arms a few weeks ago… again…and then had lapsed into a coma hours after waking from surgery due to complications and infection. The nightmares and waking terrors and absolute withdrawal of Sam over the past week since they had hit the road just made him want to hold his younger brother tight in his arms and take him somewhere where he could make the pain go away.

He had never wanted to hurt Sam, he had just reacted in the best way he knew how to deal with things… distancing himself from anyone that could hurt him. Dean understood now, regardless of the things his younger brother had done, he needed Sam as much as Sam needed him.

As he walked towards the sleek black metal that encompassed everything they knew about home, Dean just hoped he could find a way to fix things between them and somehow save Sam from his inner demons.

The Impala was parked in the furthermost spot available and Dean knew Sam was following his lead, probably without even realising it after years of routine.

The driver's door was open and Dean could already see the tall figure sitting sideways on the seat, feet planted on the gravel.

"Hey Sammy." Dean felt his mouth go dry when he saw the gun in his brother's shaking hand. "How 'bout you come back to the room, get warm."

He could see the way Sam's whole body was trembling but he doubted it was from the cold. Dean was pretty sure Sam was way past feeling the weather right now as he watched his brother stare into the muzzle.

Sam didn't answer just looked at the gun in his hands as though it was his salvation and Dean's fear hitched up to almost overload.

"Sam, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you, I didn't mean to upset you. I just want you to be alright... you're scaring me man."

"Don't want to scare you Dean. " Sam's voice was devoid of emotion, clinical. "I know I'm not right but don't be scared Dean I'm gonna fix things." Sam laughed, a brittle sound like raw nerves. "Make everything better."

"Whatever you're thinking Sam it's not you. These thoughts in your head are from the demon and it's wrong, it didn't know you it was just playing on your fears. Don't let it win."

"No one wins Dean, no one ever wins. We just keep going around and around and it hurts... it fucking hurts too much."

"Yeah I know Sammy but it doesn't have to hurt this much...you don't have to do this alone. God Sam I was wrong to push you away. I... I thought... I was scared man. I can't do this anymore... not without you. We can work this out together Sam."

"No, you were right Dean. I didn't deserve you... I don't deserve anything good. I should have been punished."

The self disgust in Sam's voice was thick and heavy and it made Dean's stomach tie up in knots.

"No, that's not true. Let me help you Sammy."

Sam tensed when he felt Dean's soft touch on his leg and even though his eyes moved to his brother's hand his mind shifted back to the candles glowing in the dark.

"It knew. It could see inside me and it knew I was the one that let Lucifer escape, it could see the evil in me. I'm never gonna be rid of it, it's in my blood and I'll never get it out."

Sam's voice was quiet and haunted and Dean was pretty sure his brother wasn't really all there with him but back in that room with the demon. Dean squeezed his eyes closed for a second and tried to swallow down the overwhelming despair he felt for his younger brother.

"Gimme the gun Sam. Please just… just trust me to look after you. Please Sammy."

Sam looked at Dean's face and frowned, not understanding what he saw. Tears spilled from his older brother's eyes and slid down his face. Sam didn't remember seeing his brother cry very often, he didn't know why Dean would feel this way now.

Almost mesmerised, Sam leant forward and touched a soft hand to his older brother's face.

"Dean?"

Dean's hand came up and rested over the top of his briefly, pressing Sam's palm against his face before slowly moving both his hands towards the gun. His fingers slid around Sam's hand and gently released his brother's hold on the weapon.

"It's okay, it's gonna be okay now Sam."

Tucking the gun in the waistband of his jeans, Dean stood from his crouch, knees cracking loud in the night air as he leaned in and kissed his brother on the forehead. He felt Sam's hand slide around his neck, almost shyly and Dean could feel his brother's breath on his neck, his voice still whisper soft.

"I thought about you. My mind kept remembering what it felt like when you held me and I was safe. I kept saying your name and I didn't know why… I think you're burnt into my soul Dean, you're a part of me. When I say your name I remember who I really am."

"I won't ever let you forget Sam." Dean turned his head and found his brother's lips, caressing them with his own in a gentle kiss.

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______________

_I was stumbling right by  
Like a wreck I came to you  
So I staggered through the night  
Seeking out your rescue blues  
Gonna burn your name right across the sky  
So I never forget what the feeling's like  
Gonna burn your name right across the sky  
So I never forget what the feeling's like_

______________

I want every single soul to know  
That I love you for what you are  
So I sound the bells that praise your precious heart

Gonna burn your name  
Gonna burn your name

Lyrics by Powderfinger

**The End **

_**a/n: Thanx for reading, let me know your thoughts on this fic, constructive criticism is appreciated! **_


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